Often in spiritual circles, a group of conscious philosophers will discuss the larger idea of Life with their students. Ideas of Love, our interconnectedness, and a greater expression of the Universe experiencing life through our individuality are the premise of most conversations. Students lean forward in awe, desiring to grasp a greater idea in hopes that the pain, suffering and confusion that invade their soul may be released. Understanding, reading and discussing these topics is one thing and yet to live from a place knowing all is Love, all is me and I am the divine leader in my own unfoldment is a little (okay, a lot) more challenging.
I spent eight days on a journey south to my husband’s school reunion, down his memory lane of first loves and other monumental times of his life. My emotions based in fear, jealousy, rejection, and control bubbled to the surface during the planning stages and diligently I put to practice the tools I have learned to change my mind.
We began our journey early one morning and after a long day of driving we checked into a pleasant B & B. The next morning, we shared intriguing conversations with the other guests over an exquisite breakfast. I believed my decision to have a good attitude was working after all. This didn’t last long.
The following evening, we were checking into a seedy Motel off a busy, smelly rugged street in the California Bay Area. Several of the motel guests arrived driving semi-tractors and I distinctly noticed that our non-smoking room smelt of old stale smoke smothered in the bitter odour of bleach. "Honey, I need to change my attitude!" I felt judgmental and close-minded. My entry in my journal began, "OMG!" and after a sleep on the plastic coated mattress between polyester sheets I wondered if I was going to achieve my initial goal.
I continued my chant, "I change my attitude," and yet the path got narrower and I wondered what happened to all the spiritual lessons I had learned, and how on earth I was going to dig my way out of these feelings. Hours and hours of self-contemplation, feelings of defeat and shame led me to the only solution possible.
We all have an inner voice guiding us to our highest and best in life and what I finally came to realize was I ignored myself completely. Did my thoughts of dread create the difficulties? Perhaps, but if I really dread something why am I going? I set myself up for disappointment, and a disappointed husband.
The lesson is one of Love. I thought I loved my husband so much I could put away my ’immature’ feelings and follow him on his journey no matter what. Truth is, love begins with me. I promise next time to love myself so much that I can say, "No" saving us all from a lot of undo stress.
I lean back in my chair. Ideas of love, our interconnectedness, and a greater expression of the Universe experiencing life through my individuality begins to make a little more sense. As I meet the real me, accept my truth at face value, and support my feelings with love, I can let go of an idea that I think is better than me. This is the attitude adjustment. I can rest assured that life is perfect, right here and now. Each of us has a gift to offer and by honouring our feelings and desires we can unleash our inner beauty and shine brightly.
Jill Brocklehurst, Licensed Minister at the Centre for Positive Living in Campbell River. Visit the website at www.QICPL.org or email info@QICPL.org.