The journey began three years ago. I named it and released it into consciousness. This is where this story begins. I was in a coaching program at Royal Roads University. As part of that program, I created a personal foundation document that included a mission and vision statement. As I pondered this process I knew that this needed to come from the heart and reflect my true mission. I waited for the truth to flow through me, and these words appeared: “I am love.”
This May, at a retreat in North Carolina, I understood for the first time what these three words really mean. Actually, I experienced for the first time what it means to exemplify “I am love”.
Over this past year, as awakening unfolded, the experience intensified. In the months since returning from India, the insights have been flowing through me like a raging river. Sometimes they are beautiful and I am able to sink into them like a warm bath. Others are revelations that terrify and free at the same time. In North Carolina, an insight presented that was both – terrifying and beautiful.
I walk this planet as a wounded heart. I spent a lifetime building defenses to protect this heart from further wounding. Even more terrifying, I experience others’ wounded hearts. The very defenses that protect this heart from further wounding filter and protect me from the pain and suffering that underscores the human experience.
I cannot exemplify “I am love” with a lifetime of defenses protecting me. I now realize that to be love, I must be open to all that is and to allow it to flow through me. The pain and suffering that I experience and see in others is not me. I am love, – pure, innocent, childlike – love.
The last day of the North Carolina program, 12 participants, the trainer Elizabeth and her assistant sat in a semi-circle. Elizabeth played a song by singer/song writer Diane Hagen. The room was silent with the exception of the music that filled the space. As we sat in the pure bliss of this exceptional moment, I opened my eyes and from the heart I looked around the room. That moment will remain with me forever. Some sat, eyes closed, experiencing only presence, for some tears of joy flowed and others fidgeted anxiously to start the journey to their physical home. Elizabeth looked out at her baby chicks, with wonder. The experience was ecstasy. Love reflecting love. Love as love. There was no other in that room. There was only love.
The journey home has been a challenging one. It is not easy to greet this world from this raw and open place. I continue to battle the demons of conditioning and even struck out, with a fierceness I forgot I was capable of, at the one who mirrors love for me on a daily basis. And as love, I ask for forgiveness and forgive myself for that, and for all of it.
Yesterday, I shared this story with a wise and wonderful friend. She said “This is the journey that mankind is being asked to embark on. This is the message of the Christ mind and of other great sages throughout time.” So I allow the wounded heart to stay open despite the fact that it “hearts” so bad. I hold all of it in this wounded heart as love. Moment by moment I say…
I am sorry
Please forgive me
I love you
And there is only one.
Cheryl Levine and her partner Lucas Stiefvater own and operate a spiritual and wellness retreat centre on Vancouver Island. Cheryl is an aspiring writer and life coach. She is committed to awakening as the one – for all.