Begin Again

It is December 30th. I have just had a week off and I am feeling out of sorts, uncomfortable with the lack of structure. I am feeling guilty about not working, about not getting anything done. I don’t know how to do this, to just be.

Part of me feels like a caged animal, desperately seeking a way back to my comfort zone (where I am a human doing rather than a human being) and another part of me is lying on the couch with a piano tied to my butt.

Physically, I am feeling like a slug. When was the last time I took some time out for a yoga class or went for a walk? What happened to the old me and who is this woman in the mirror with the piano attached to her derriere?

How did I get to this place? Just a week ago, I was pumped, excited, high on life, inspired! So this is what happens when I take a week off – well I won’t be doing that again!

But something is beginning to bubble up inside me and I find myself starting to formulate an outline for a new workshop. How can this be? My lethargy is actually motivating me. Wow! It could so easily have gone the other way. I am reminded that there is a blessing in all things and suddenly I am grateful for the discomfort I have been feeling.

I remember a writing workshop I took last fall. I had written about an experience I had as a young child. As a result of this experience, I had formulated a belief and carried it with me well into my adult years. In reading what I had written, I suddenly realized that I had been creating my life based on that belief – a belief that was not true. What a beautiful epiphany! I had been given the gift of "beginning again”, of creating a new life based on new beliefs.

I think of a phone call I received from a young woman who is a recovering drug addict just a few weeks before Christmas. She called me early one morning and said: "Can you come and get me?” I said: "Yes – are you okay?” "No”, she replied. I prayed as I hung up the phone. I arrived at the appointed meeting place and she fell into my arms and sobbed. On the way home, she said: "I relapsed.” I reached for her hand and heard my voice speak the words I had prayed for: "So this becomes day one – begin again.”

I think about all the times during the past year when my fear and self doubt were greater than my faith. And then something would happen and I would find myself beginning again.

And now I am thinking about today’s date. Wasn’t it me who said I wanted to hit the ground running in 2009? The first day of the new year is just two weeks away and I am not ready! So I sit down and begin to make my list. And suddenly it occurs to me that January first is just a day like any other day. I do not have to wait until then to begin. I can begin right now. It doesn’t matter what time it is, what day of the week it is, or what the date is. I can begin again in this moment.

I can take the long way back to my car and register on-line for a yoga class when I get home. I can jot down a few more ideas for my new workshop. Or I can sit here and just be. I don’t have to wait until January first or Monday morning or 6:00 a.m. I can begin at 1:19 p.m. on Tuesday December 16th. I can begin today. I can begin again right now.