Well, hello there, we now find ourselves on that annual death march to the next stat holiday. (January 1st ALLLLLLLLLLLLL the way to April 22nd? Are you freaking kidding me?)
But I digress, my fellow zombie. We are not going to allow ourselves to go to the Home of Negative Thoughts, right now. We have begun the glorious year of 2011, and let’s start it out on a happy note, okay?
Now, I realize that happiness is all relative. Someone might experience extreme joy from receiving a brand new loofah, while it may take something a little more exciting for the next person. (A day of NFL football with a buddy, cold beer, and a home-cooked meal, anyone?)
Whoops, got off track there for a bit.
The point here is, my dear zombie, is that because happiness can be so relative, when one feels that wonderful, warm surge that being happy gives us, one should seize it and hold on to it steadfastly.
I’m taking my own advice here, too. See, I had a surprise run-in with happiness when I found myself reading some totally insipid article about the highest paid reality T.V. stars of 2010. (Give me a break, okay? It was a slow day at work.)
Anyway, I’m reading this list and at the top of it was Kim Kardashian, who made six million dollars last year. I recognized her name, mostly because she rudely barged onto my T.V. screen when I was watching the Super Bowl last year.
After Kardashian, I start going down the list. Lauren Conrad ($5 million)? Bethenny Frankel ($4 million)? Audrina Partridge ($3.5 million)? As I’m reading this list of names, I’m reminded of that classic Cheers episode when Cliff Clayven appeared on Jeopardy. (“Who are three people who have never been in my kitchen, Alex?”)
I did recognize Kate Gosselin’s ($3.5 million) name, which was only because us columnists need SOMEONE to goof on when we write. After Kate, though, the rest of the list becomes mystifying again. Mike Sorrentino ($3 million)? Kendra Wilkinson ($2 million)? There’s two other Kardashians? ($2.5 million, each.)
As I conclude reading the list, I feel that warm touch of happiness wave through me, dear zombie, and I cannot explain why. I mean, shouldn’t I be upset that these ‘famous for being famous’ people are raking in obscene amounts of money while so many of our fellow zombies are going hungry, thirsty, and/or roofless? (Okay, okay. I admit that fact did thoroughly piss me off, but that’s an entirely different article.)
At first when that warm rush of happiness washes over me, I am confused. But then it hits me.
I’m feeling happy because of my ignorance. This is jarring to my belief system, because I feel education is the most important key to a more tolerant and understanding society. But, my fellow zombie, could it be possible that in certain areas of life, ignorance IS bliss?
I ask this because I know WHY I have absolutely zero clue who these people on the list are. See, when The Amazing Race was on, I was walking the sea wall with a friend of mine. When Survivor aired, I was visiting with my Grandma over tea. While the World’s Biggest Loser played, I was dancing with Janice in her basement for three hours.
This, my dear zombie, is what brought me my happiness. And this is not an attempt to bash television as a whole. (Believe me, I’d be one sad dude without my NFL or Glee.) The point here is that, similar to a triple layered chocolate cake, it’s not a small slice that’s wrong, it’s eating the whole freaking cake that’s problematic.
For example, last week an estimated 22 million people wasted an hour of their lives watching Dancing With the Stars. Could you imagine how those 22 million souls would have felt if they had danced themselves? Or volunteered for that hour? Or spent it with friends, family, or neighbours?
And that, my fellow zombie, segues into our first lesson of the year.
Embrace life. Shut off that damn T.V. and go do something that you love to do for the time you would’ve wasted otherwise. Karl Marx once said that religion is the opiate of the masses, but I’m pretty sure if T.V. was around back then, he could’ve easily substituted the word ‘television’ for the word ‘religion’.
What do you say, my dear zombie. Are you up for it?
Humanity Man resides on this beautiful planet we call earth. He loves peace, happiness, and Glee. He dislikes war, hate, and, apparently, reality T.V. shows.