Welcome back, my fellow zombie. I am truly delighted you chose to join us once again.
I’d like to introduce you to two men who have joined us today. Please meet Ooog and Stanley.
You’ll have to excuse Ooog. Ooog exhibits behaviours that may seem rude or boorish by today’s standards, but Ooog comes from another time and place. Ooog, you see, is a caveman.
Stanley, on the other hand, is a comfortable caveman. Stanley is a man of today’s time, and honestly, you’ll have to excuse Stanley as well, as he exhibits behaviours that will probably seem rude and boorish, too.
Ooog and Stanley have joined us today to show how very little, if at all, we have progressed since the days our ancestors dwelled in caves.
Let’s call it “moving in place.”
We’ll use the start of their day as a microcosm of their lives.
So watch, my dear zombie, as Ooog wakes in the morning, stretching and groaning as he arises from his thatch of twigs and thistles he calls his bed. He yawns, he scratches, and his brain begins to form thoughts about what he needs to do today.
The first thought is a blaring warning signal from his kidneys informing him they must be emptied. Attempting to be quiet so as not to disturb Ooog-ette (his mate) and his two sons Ooog Jr. and Ooog III, Ooog relieves himself along the cave wall as he admires the drawings he and Ooog-ette had drawn the night before.
Ooog’s stomach growls in hunger and his throat is dry, so after sloshing down some water and some pieces of fruit, Ooog grabs his sharpened spear, and after a loving glance back at his sleeping family, he heads out to do what he has to do that day.
Ooog will do what he must to feed himself and his family.
Now, my fellow zombie, let’s turn our attention to Stanley. Stanley awakens in the morning, stretching and groaning as he arises from his mattress (with added pillow-top comfort.) Stanley yawns, he scratches, and his brain begins to form thoughts on what he has to do today.
Stanley’s kidneys are screaming at him that they’re full, so Stanley, oh-so-quietly so as not to awaken his slumbering wife Candy (with an ‘I’), putters to the bathroom where he relieves himself in a low-flush toilet as he admires the tangerine/royal purple/eggshell design wallpaper made by 10 year olds in the outer reaches of Mongolia that he and Candi with an ‘I’ put up the night before.
Stanley satiates his hunger with a “health” bar that actually contains more chemicals than your average unfiltered cigarette and he drinks a cup of coffee made from beans that were harvested from slave labour under a ruthless coffee cartel.
After a loving glance at the photos of his two sons hanging on the fridge, Stanley heads out to do what must be done that day.
Stanley will do what he must do to feed himself and his family.
(And please, my dear zombie, do not condemn me for my choice of genders for Ooog and Stanley. Believe me, I am as gender-neutral as they come, and there is no reason whatsoever I made them males. Feel free to make them females or eunuchs or transsexuals for all I care (but, please Buddah, don’t you DARE make them Conservative Party members) because that’s not what this column is trying to convey.)
What I am attempting to get across is this: Have we really made any progress at all, besides becoming more comfortable cavemen (and women)?
There’s not enough space here to go into other areas that we have made admirable progress in, such as transportation, medicine, and space travel (which will come in very, very handy for whatever unlucky generation needs it because we’ve cooked Mother Earth to death.)
No, we’re only talking about the basics here, that you and I and every other zombie here need to do every day.
Bottom line, (which is good as we are rapidly running out of space here) is that it all comes down to perception, doesn’t it? You say Bon Iver, I say Bon Eee-vair. No matter what corporations or governments tell us in their quenchless thirst for money and power, we have not evolved nearly as much as we like to think we have.
Once we learn to tap into the other 90% of our brain and progress spiritually at the same pace, I believe we will then be “moving forward.”
Until then, though, you, Stanley, and I will go on being nothing more than comfortable cavemen.
Humanity Man resides on this beautiful planet we call earth and loves peace, joy, and the name “Ooog.” He dislikes war, hate, and the fact that he’s just a comfortable caveman.