Humanity Man

Okay, dear reader, if you read the byline at the top of this column, I can almost guarantee I know what you’re thinking.

  You’re thinking, ‘If a single goose is a goose, and a bunch of them are geese, and one moose is a moose, why aren’t a bunch of them called meese?’ If I’m correct in guessing your thoughts, I must apologize that I can’t help you with that one.

  On the other hand, though, if you’re thinking ‘Humanity Man? What the Stephen Harper is a Humanity Man?’ On that topic, I can assist you.

  Yes, my name is Humanity Man. No, I’m not an alien or a recent escapee from the mental hospital, which would be impossible, anyway, as I’m pretty sure ole Gordo Campbell has shut them all, deciding that living on the streets is therapeutic enough for our brothers and sisters suffering from mental health issues.

  No, I am simply Humanity Man. Oh sure, I have an alter ego. He’s probably just like you, too, if you’re an average 39 year old guy who works an average 40 day work week and has your average interests. The only thing not average about him is his wife and 9 year old son. They’re great.

  Luckily for me, though, besides his overall averageness (yes, I realize that ‘averageness’ is not a word. If you don’t like it, then go get a column for yourself so you can make up words, too), my alter ego has an interest in writing that has spanned almost thirty years. That interest has mostly been personal, but he has had a fair bit of his writing published as well.

  It was during one of my alter ego’s writing sessions that I came to be. He was writing an article about, surprise, surprise, alter egos. He was writing about how the people of Ireland may know Paul Hewson, but the world knows him as Bono. How Reginald Dwight was never nearly as flamboyant as Elton John is. How Mark Twain found much more success than Samuel Clemens ever did.

  Heck, move outside the fiction and popular music world, and you’ll find John Ratzinger, some German dude whom you probably know better as the Pope.

  Alter egos are everywhere, and as he typed the words I knew my time to strike was at hand.

  Of course, this isn’t as easy as it sounds. Finding the right alter ego and cause can be a very tricky proposition.

  Think about that for a moment. Diana Themyscira became Wonder Woman to fight the bad guys. Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader to fight the good guys. Louise Ciccone became Madonna to suck money from our pockets.

  If it’s not done correctly, choosing a wrong alter ego could be disastrous. For example, Peter Parker as Spiderman worked great. Peter Parker as Flatulent Man? Not so great.

  That’s when fate stepped in, as she often does at times like these. As my alter ego typed, a radio played in the background and one of those right wing nut jobs came blabbering through its speakers. You know who I’m talking about, one of those men or women WHO ARE ALWAYS YELLING LIKE THIS THAT EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW THAT WAR AND CAPITALISTIC GREED IS GOOD!!! DRILL!!! BURN!!! PAVE!!! HUMAN RIGHTS ARE FOR PANSIES!!!

  My alter ego sat back and listened to this yahoo for a moment, wondering “Why are these right wing, corporate mouthpieces always yelling? Are they mad at themselves for believing the gibberish they speak at ear-piercing levels? Why don’t they ever have to answer to anyone for their outrageous lies?”

  The last self-query dinged the proverbial gong and I seized the moment with all the strength I could muster. They were about to answer to someone. They were going to come to dislike and be wary of…..

  HUMANITY MAN! By Frank, that’s it. HUMANITY MAN! If you say it in one of those bottom of a sewer pipe baritone voices like those movie trailer narrators, it sounds even cooler. HUMANITY MAN! (Or HuMan, if the J-Lo or A-Rod abbreviation of names is your thing.)

  I eased myself into my alter ego’s veins and surged through his body until I poured out of his fingertips, hitting all the (hopefully) correct buttons on his keyboard.

  Humanity Man will question not just these right wing yelling heads but the whole corporation-government cabal itself. Humanity Man will speak for the voiceless, he will sing for those who can’t carry a tune, he will dance for the rhythm-less, and he can’t get here too soon. (Apparently he’s a poet who doesn’t know it, too.)

  Humanity Man will always be a champion of love, peace and understanding, and he will forever fight with all his might against hate, war and closed minds.

  And sorry, dear reader, but Humanity Man will not let you off the hook, either. In fact, he’ll start with you for the first few columns, as Humanity Man knows we can’t make this the world we want to leave our children without mucking out our own closets first. Humanity Man will give you homework to work on, as his job will be much easier when the weight is being carried by all.

   And since we’re nearing the end of this issue’s column, today’s lesson will be short and sweet.

   Be peaceful. In actions, in words, or in thoughts, simply, BE. PEACEFUL.

   Please practice the preceding lesson until it is first nature to you and pass it on to your children as well.

   Until next issue and next lesson, dear reader, Humanity Man bids you farewell.


Humanity Man resides on this beautiful planet we call Earth. He loves peace, harmony and NFL  football games. He dislikes war, chaos and Rush Limbaugh. He also welcomes any questions, comments or thoughts sent to him through Synergy Magazine.