Insights of Motherhood

In L.B.M. (life before motherhood) I did not see motherhood as "fun". Mothers looked stressed out, irritated and were usually desperate to escape their children for a break… have some fun! I definitely did not see why someone would actually choose motherhood. And so I decided not to have children since they would obviously interfere with me really living a fun, free life. Things changed, of course, and with the news that I was indeed officially going to be a mother – well, even more changed. Everything really.

First of all, I guess I need to clarify what "fun" means to me. Fun for me is: being spontaneous – although not reckless; loving fully and completely – not reserving any part of myself. It is taking risks – healthy ones; it is a sense of blissfulness, peacefulness and excitement all rolled up into one. It is goofy, from the bottom of your gut laughter and it is absolutely losing myself to the incredible, joyous experience of the moment. "Now", you say, "how could all of that relate to motherhood?" All of it and more has been my experience of motherhood. It is the most fun I have ever had in my life – if you don’t count courtship! What I once thought of as fun now seems a sad masquerade.

From that first incredulous, panicked moment I realized there was a tiny human being growing in my womb – WOW! Excitement, fear, endless streams of thoughts. Then through the months of excruciating anticipation, watching my most amazing body transform; blossoming, bursting forth with the richness and abundance of life. The butterflies and breathlessness at seeing a hand move and a heart beating on the ultrasound screen. Then the most dramatic and unprecedented miracle of my life, each and every time all three times. My strength and endurance fueled by Life beyond my control, the force of the ocean’s tide pushing through my willingness to surrender myself – the most poignant and self-changing moment: pulling a warm, wriggling body out of my own body, out of my own imagination into reality. The feeling of perfection in the universe, the humbleness of knowing I am a thread in the tapestry; experiencing the unbroken link to all mothers through all of the ages.

The sweetest kisses. The tender, nurturing flow of my love and my milk into the tiniest, pink rosebud mouth ~ completely dependent on me. Oh the moment of complete abandon as I give myself over spontaneously to love. Completely and fully, drinking in the beauty. Amazing; fingers, toes…..staring blissfully at the design. Giddy, suddenly young again, laughing at the smallest antic or facial expression, seeing everything anew through tiny eyes. Connecting, listening, watching, feeling, giving, growing, changing, awestruck – a rollercoaster ride of pain and pleasure, the fast track.

Completely lost in every moment, drinking it up, chasing time ~ why can’t it slow down? Responsibility, commitment, endless work, always needed – isn’t this what fun avoids? My experience is that real fun is real living. Bungy jumping, white-water rafting, reality TV, chocolate and champagne. These fleeting pleasures or rushes cannot begin to compare with the raw reality and intensity of motherhood.