New Year Resolutions

Seeing as how my New Year’s resolutions last year weren’t very successful (intake of hot buttered popcorn has risen instead of fallen, as has the level of watching sporting events on the boob tube), I thought I’d try a different approach to New Year’s resolutions for 2010.

  The premise of this new approach is so intriguing, I’m disappointed in myself for not coming up with it sooner.

  Instead of coming up with resolutions for me, why not have resolutions for you?

Now, at first blush, I can see how that seems as egotistical as your average Tory MP, but that assumption is just not true. I’ve got at least a zillion ch-ch-ch-changes (thank you, David Bowie) that I can make to be a better person, but being practical isn’t one of them. I’m practical and honest enough with myself to KNOW I’m going to break every single one of my resolutions.

  So, it is not arrogance speaking when I make your New Year’s resolutions for you. It is faith speaking, a deep confidence I have in you to make our world a better place.

And the resolution I have for you is a very simple one. It’s so easy, that even fossil fuel lobbyists could figure it out.

  Ready? Here’s your New Year’s resolution for 2010.

  Just chill the you-know-what out.

  I don’t care how you do it. Take a deep breath. Meditate. Let a Toronto Maple Leafs hockey game lull you to slumber. Just. Chill. Out.

  You can do that, can’t you? And you know who you are, right?

  You are the person buzzing in and out of traffic to get to the next red light before me. You are the one huffing and puffing with impatience behind me in the grocery store line. You are the one who won’t even let me merge into traffic at the local mall.

  You are the one complaining about the state of our youth when you won’t go play catch with Janie in the yard because the BIG game is about to come on T.V. You won’t sit and read with little Johnny because there’s some late-breaking top secret info about Jon and Kate Gosselin that is about to be revealed. You never just sit and play in the dirt or leaves with either of them because hockey practice-soccer game-dance class – any other thing you’ve crammed in for them just takes up too much time in the day.

  You are the person who complains about our politicians but have never written a letter or e-mail to your MLA or your local newspaper. You haven’t volunteered for a party or cause that may make our communities a better place to live. And geez Louise, I have a fifty-fifty shot of being right when I declare you probably didn’t even vote in the first place. 

  You get angry at peaceful protests but you don’t take the time to learn what the issue is. You agree we should not have people sleeping on our streets, yet you have done nothing to change it. You can’t understand why the rest of the world hates us (US being the West, in general) because we give other countries paltry aid while you conveniently forget that we’ve plundered their natural resources so you can have cheap gas to drive your inexpensive vehicle that you can use to block me from merging in at the mall.

  Whew. Have I got that right? Is that you? Please don’t be offended. Any friend can pat you on the back and tell you how good you are, but it takes a true friend to tell you it’s time to trim your nose hairs.

  And that’s all I’m doing here. 

  The people of Thailand have a saying about us people of the west. It’s ‘hurry hurry, go nowhere.’ Nailed us on the head with four words.

  Unless, that is, we all are successful in keeping our New Year’s resolution for 2010.

  Chill the you-know-what out. Don’t do it for me. Do it for you. You deserve it.


Jeff Virtanen is a freelance writer of many different subjects, all with a light-hearted approach to make people laugh and hopefully think as well.